Eric J. O'Denius'

StarCon Sitcoms

DeathNet

Alien Species Used: Kohr-Ah

Based On: Dragnet

[Remember how Dragnet always had the same cheesy horn music: "Dummm, dum dum dum. Dummm, dum dum dum DUUUMMMMM!" Forget it. We prefer the opening from Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries:" "Dum dum da da dee dah..." Anyway, on with the show...]

THE STORY YOU ARE ABOUT TO SEE IS TRUE. NO NAMES WERE CHANGED TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT. THERE ARE NO INNOCENTS.

SCENE ONE: A beautiful "DS-9" type opening with the camera passing a beautiful system.

Death 666 [Voice Over]: "This is the Coreward Frontier, generally beautiful and peaceful. Several billion sentients live here. Beautiful planets lie within it, waiting to be exploited, all moving at incredible speeds. Unfortunately, not all is beautiful and peaceful. Some things are garbage. Like the stuff you find on rainbow worlds, and those virtually worthless small tulip things that live here. Unfortunately, not all is peaceful. Many of the sentients are not Kohr-Ah. They are not garbage. They are threat. That's where I come in. My name is Death 666. I carry a blade."

F/X: Dum dum da da dee dah! [Title Screen]

SCENE TWO: Whatever an office for Kohr-Ah would look like. Personally, I think just for the sake of turnover, most Kohr-Ah would be amenable to telecommuting, but do you really think TV reflects Truth in ANY culture it's been introduced in ... excluding Thraddash Culture 14?

Death 666 [Voice Over]: "0730 hours Galactic Standard. I was on the Immigration squad. My boss is Death 23. He's the Assistant Director of Deportation & Dismemberment."

Death 23: "Just got a memo here. 'Deportation & Dismemberment' has been declared to show extreme wussiness in the face of our new expansion program, not to mention that 'deportation' is rather inaccurate."

Death 666: "Oh yeah? What's it called now?"

Death 23: "'Decompression & Dismemberment.'"

Death 666: "Much better."

F/X: Dum dum da da dee dah!

[Commercial Break: You might note that commercials are a reflection of the culture that created them. In this case, I don't think most non-Kohr-Ah would ever want to see infomercials on "100 Ways to Kill Sentients in One Second or Less," "Screw the Female Mate: Divorce Tactics," or "Genocide Day Sale: Talking Pets Half Off!" (Bleah.) Unless, of course, you favor "Soldier of Fortune"-style magazines.]

Death 23: "Well, 666, take a look. It seems we have a new incursion near the Lipi constellation."

Death 666: "Near the Rainbow World?"

Death 23: "Poor neighborhood. Looks like we'll have to show them who's boss."

Death 666: "Let's check it out."

[They move off to their respective ships.]

SCENE THREE: In Death 666's ship.

Death 666 [Voice Over]: "1325 hours Galactic Standard. Arriving at the Lipi System. We sight two Ur-Quans, and cite them immediately for illegal entry into Kohr-Ah space. Not difficult, considering (a) we claim the entire known and unknown Galaxy; and (b) any sentient life in the territory defined in (a) is automatically considered inadmissible, and subject to Decompression and Dismemberment proceedings."

Death 23 [grim]: "Place them in proceedings, 666."

DEATH 666 [Voice Over]: "It may seem like this procedure is unnecessary, but bear in mind that 'Kohr-Ah v. Three or Maybe Four Spathi' was dismissed on a technicality. It turned out they'd already been Decompressed. The offending Kohr-Ah was executed, of course."

Death 666 [Back to the action]: "Yes, sir. [Hailing chirp.] Unidentified Ur-Quan convoy: you are in violation of Section 212(a)(6)(A)(i), as a sentient alien, not of Kohr-Ah genetic sequences GAC1971 through ACT1040, present in Known or Unknown space, without specific permission to be killed from the Kohr-Ah Being of Justice and Extreme Sanction for Overdue Library Books and More than 10 Items In the 10 Item Express Lane, as amended. Are you sentient?"

Lord 241: "Talking Pet: launch fighters."

Death 666: "We'll take that as a 'yes.' We find you Decompressable as charged." [NOTE: Sentient species on planets are Dismembered. Sentient species in space are Decompressed. It's a minor distinction, but an important one.]

Death 23: "Wait a minute, 666. What's out there at 289 mark 11?"

Death 666: "[Kohr-Ah very bad word] It's one of those [something] VUX 'Mutual of Cerenkov' ships! AAARGGGGHHHHH! KILL IT!"

[NOTE: No legal proceedings are needed for 'Mutual of Cerenkov' film crews. See "Matter of ORZ," 1631 at 101(a)(43), supra.]

[Both Ur-Quan and Kohr-Ah briefly turn on the VUX, destroying the ship and maiming a very panicked and mostly now bionic, though very well insured by the good beings at 'Mutual of Cerenkov,' PUZ, then turn on each other ...]

F/X: Dum dum da da dee dah!

[OK, kids, here's where you get to have fun. Fire up your 486 and take a Kohr-Ah out against a VUX. Aren't those explosions neat? Wasn't that easy? Now try Kohr-Ah versus Ur-Quan. Don't photon blasts suck? We thought so. Anyway, when you're done (make sure the Kohr-Ah win, or the story's not gonna maintain the thin veil of continuity that still may exist) ...]

SCENE FOUR: Back at the office.

Death 666 [Voice Over]: "1455 hours Galactic Standard. Death 23 and I are enjoying a well deserved brewsky after an easy victory against all non-Kohr-Ah sentients."

Death 23: "Death 1 was really pleased with you today, 666. He's got a promotion in mind for you. How'd you like the keys to the Sa-Matra?"

Death 666: "Kewl!"

F/X: Dum dum da da dee dah!

THE STORY YOU HAVE JUST SEEN IS TRUE. NO NAMES WERE CHANGED TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT. THERE ARE NO INNOCENTS.

ON FIVESDAY 17, CYCLE OF THE SKULL-BOWL CLEANSING, 4257 P.K.Z. [POST KZER-ZA], IN CRATERIS SUPERIOR DISTRICT COURT, THE CORPSES OF LORDS 241 AND 101 APPEARED BEFORE DEATH 3 FOR VIOLATING THE KOHR-AH ANTI-IMMIGRATION AND SOLE NATIONALITY ACT OF 4196, AS AMENDED. IN A MOMENT, THE RESULTS OF THAT TRIAL.

[Commercial Break]

F/X: Dum dum da da dee dah!

ON FIVESDAY 17, LORDS 241 AND 101 WERE FOUND GUILTY AS CHARGED. SENTENCE WAS CARRIED OUT IMMEDIATELY.

[CAPTION: "Now serving their sentences in various bags of Sno-Grit on the ice planet of A. Camelopardis VIa."]

*** END ***


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Last Update: October 19, 1999