Eric J. O'Denius'
[Start the cheesy 1950s safety film music]
NARRATOR: It's a great day to be at the fair. Here is the Bwinkin family: male parent, female parent, and about 16,158 encrustlings, give or take a few. (Some are next door, at a Spathi slumber party -- don't ask. Please.)
SCENE: A fine Spathi family: male parent, female parent, and several thousand encrustlings. If, that is, there was such a way to see below the camera frame. Actual scene: empty cavern.
NARRATOR: Hmmm. Evil Ones, right?
SCENE: Single eyestalk peeks out and blinks affirmatively.
NARRATOR: The female parent has worked very hard to support the young ones, and the male parent is on furlough from the Space Navy. Time to take the kids to the fair!
SCENE: About 16,158 encrustlings (give or take) bolting across the screen, trying to find new hiding places. Blink twice and you miss it.
NARRATOR: Well, eventually, the male parent manages to pry them loose and send them out to the door to the ship. There goes little Fwiffo!
SCENE: Fwiffo, in a scene he's bound to repeat some years later, rolling down the sidewalk.
NARRATOR: The female parent assists the male by loading the kids up in the ship. And away they go!
SCENE: Interior of Spathi ship, unoccupied. Must be one of the decoy areas. If you're looking for one of those mythical adventurous all-black Spathi ships with bold orange racing stripes, doing adventurous and bold things ... I'd have to see it to believe it, too.
NARRATOR: It's all worth it! The ship arrives at "Worlds of Fear," and now it's time for the male parent to buy the tickets.
SCENE: Y'know, one form of Eternal Punishment might involve trying to distribute 16,000 tickets to as many unruly second graders, each on his own top secret military mission at the theme park ...
NARRATOR: Little Fwiffo and his sister Snelopy head on into the park. Wow, there are so many things to do!
SCENE: Wastepaper basket.
NARRATOR: Come on, Fwiffo ... the audience is tired of seeing a film about Spathi without any actual Spathi appearing in the camera frame.
SCENE: Human hand reaching into wastebasket, prying Fwiffo and Snelopy loose, and rolling them towards the center of "Worlds of Fear."
NARRATOR: Fwiffo and Snelopy begin with an exciting trip to the Roller Coaster. Let's get on board with them! Don't forget to buckle up for safety, Snelopy!
SCENE: First-person perspective of roller coaster ride -- at the stunning breakneck speed of 3 miles an hour and some steep hills where the grade might just about be detectable with a plumb bob if you squinted really hard -- don't forget the gradual turn as the 'coaster describes a perfect unbanked circle with a radius of about 250 feet -- all at a nosebleed elevation of 10 to 10.5 cm above ground level (AGL).
Speaking of "safety," there's absolutely no way to injure yourself on this ride unless you stepped outside of the car and rammed your head into it. Repeatedly. You can't do it inside because every seat for a rider comes equipped with an airbag, safety harness, crash bar, and other modern accident-prevention features.
NARRATOR: Wow, that sure was exciting, wasn't it?
ADMIRAL VEX: And when things get exciting for YOU, it's nice to know that the good folks at "Mutual of Cerenkov" are ...
NARRATOR: Ahem. Wow, that sure was an exciting, wasn't it? You must be hungry, right, Fwiffo?
[Fwiffo's thoughts: Wow, he mentioned me by name! What a treat! A golden memory!]
NARRATOR: Off Fwiffo and Snelopy go, to the Mr. Whuffy stand, for snacks.
SCENE: Any flavor of ice cream you want, as long as it's vanilla. In a white cup. Low fat, and good for you. Very similar to that bland food you might remember as a child when you had a tonsillectomy. Absolutely no chance of delicious sinning here.
NARRATOR: Uh, oh, looks like the whole day is just a little too exciting for sister Snelopy.
SCENE: Play Bullfrog's "Theme Park" the way it was meant to and ratchet the speed of the Bouncy Castle up to redline. Not that anything in "Worlds Of Fear" even gets past walking speed. You'll get the picture.
NARRATOR: The encrustlings head off now to the Haunted Cave. Oooh, those Evil Ones are scary, aren't they?
SCENE: The encrustlings are cowering from sessile animatronic teddy bears in a brightly-lit cave, protected from them by Lexan, razor wire, land mines, automatic co-axial slugthrowers assisted by laser range-finders, in an armored "car" with bulletproof windows, going over level terrain at reasonable speeds. Those Evil Ones can get vicious if they're only wounded.
NARRATOR: Fwiffo and Snelopy make the day a memorable one by buying souvenirs balloons.
SCENE: Just to make sure the kids won't get spooked, the balloons themselves are designed to (a) be unpoppable, and (b) are exactly buoyant enough to stay where they are when released, so the kids won't be emotionally traumatized when they accidentally let go of their balloons.
Incidentally, "Worlds of Fear" is the only theme park in the Known Universe that has been determined to need no liability warning by the good folks at "Mutual of Cerenkov."
This policy was revised in the year 2130 when two Earthling tourists died of boredom near the "Safety Chair" ride. Liability warnings are now required for all non-Spathi. A portion is shown here for historical purposes:
"WARNING: You will get bored in this theme park. Management is not responsible for death, suicide, or injury (caused by other beings committing suicide). Watch for falling aliens, assuming they can find a height sufficient enough in the park that doesn't have a safety net below it."
NARRATOR: The encrustlings make their way to every Spathi's favorite ride, the Corrugator.
SCENE: Yes, you too can have no fun at all watching the Corrugator. This fully automated machine takes raw wood pulp and quickly compresses it into rolls of 200-test C flute ready for market or further processing. "Worlds of Fear," by popular Spathi demand, is building "The Box Factory," an add-on where the encrustlings can watch rolls of finished corrugated turned into RSCs, HSCs, FOLs, partitions, pads, and more, ready for shipping. The newest completed segment, "The Bleacher," chemically treats the corrugation into either bleach or clay white ... But I can see you're not interested.
NARRATOR: Now the kids head off to test their skill at the various game booths.
SCENE: "Every player a winner" has a whole new meaning at "Worlds of Fear." Pay 1 RU and win a small prize, 2 RU for a medium, and 3 RU for a large. You get the prize first, then you play the game in a non-competitive environment.
The Spathi version of a skill crane would, on Earth, be a vending machine that dispenses toys. If you can insert the coins and push the button, you win, assuming it's not sold out. In Spathiwa, the "Sold Out" lights are tinted with tritium, so even if there's poor lighting, you can see at once if there's still a ZoqFot kewpie doll.
We'd include a scene with the kids at the arcade, but it's 60 Atari 2600 sets with "Pac-Man" set on the "Suitable for Young Children" dipswitch (number 6, I believe it was). It's pretty sad. The more adventurous Spathi, of which there might possibly be two in the Gruis system alone, might enjoy a new cool entertainment product, involving meeting other races, fighting exciting battles, and gathering resources in a race against the evil ... never mind, I can tell you're not interested in this, either.
NARRATOR: As the day draws to a close, the kids head off to the "Hedge Maze." Then it's time to meet the male and female parents as well as the 16,000+ siblings at the parking lot after one last overview at the Observation Dome.
SCENE: Hedge Maze. Yeah, right. The hedges are fashioned from the Spathi version of Japanese Bonsai trees and are about as tall as the barriers in a Putt-Putt golf course. Helpful, non-misleading signs direct the more timid to the clearly visible exit 20 yards away. We're not even gonna talk about the Virtual Observation Dome, situated at ground level. Even so, to negate even the slightest possibility of virtual vertigo, each Spathi is safely belted into his or her safety seat, and the camera is about 20 feet overhead. If this seems too bold, never fear ... push a button, and your seat gently swivels to the rear, where restful and completely non-threatening pictures of wheat fields glide by at five virtual feet above ground level.
NARRATOR: Wow, wasn't that a great day at the fair? Well, as soon as the female parent pulls Fwiffo away from the airlock opening ...
SCENE: Scene Description Not Available. Author Experiencing Sensory Deprivation From Full Day At "Worlds Of Fear."
NARRATOR: ... the family heads back to E. Gruis Ia, overwhelmed with sensory overload, and knowing, deep in their hearts, that they just might have the courage to do this again in another 10 or 20 cycles.
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Last Update: October 19, 1999