Eric J. O'Denius'

StarCon Sitcoms

Mutual of Cerenkov's Wild, Wild Kingdom

Alien Species Used: VUX

Based On: Mutual of Omaha's Wild, Wild Kingdom

[Cue theme music. Show pictures of exotic alien animals doing whatever exotic aliens do in exotic alien locations. Roll credits. Switch to interior of VUX ship in orbit around Alpha Cerenkov.]

[Dateline: 2157. Bet you never guessed Admiral Zex moonlighted off-hours. But the VUX kids, they like his show, you know.]

ZEX: Good evening! And welcome to another exciting installment of Mutual of Cerenkov's Wild, Wild Kingdom.

You know, when YOUR life gets exciting, it's nice to know that your good friends of Mutual of Cerenkov will be there for you. Our life insurance policies are second to none in effective coverage. And we also charge low premiums!

Tonight, folks, we'll explore the cool sun of Delta Lyncis in an attempt to hunt the wild [unpronounceable]. My assistant, PUZ, has completely recovered from our last exploration on the shores of Alpha Algol.

Let's see that last exciting encounter.

[Scene of VUX on a placid planet with a red-tinted atmosphere. The VUX is getting beaten repeatedly on the head by a giant Thwackin' Bush.]

[PUZ walks in the room. There's still a bandage on his head. He limps slightly. One arm is twisted awkwardly. He wears an eye patch. Since VUX have only one eye, he bumps into things a lot.]

ZEX: My good friend, PUZ! All ready to go? You're looking well!

PUZ [gulps slightly]: Uh, sure. You sent off my premium check last month, didn't you?

ZEX: Of course! The good friends at Mutual of Cerenkov and all your friends in the viewing audience are behind you 100%! RIGHT behind you!

ZEX [to camera]: We're off now to D. Lyncis. But first, a word from our sponsors.

*** COMMERCIAL BREAK ***

This show has been brought to you by:

Mutual of Cerenkov. For over 150 cycles standard, Mutual of Cerenkov has insured countless good sentients.

The FRUNGY Championships. The Intraspecies FRUNGY Council reminds players that draiz attempts before the yuxle segment are bobst rotaries and therefore subject to weequil adjustments. FRUNGY! The King of Sports.

And ...

The Arilou Telepathic Network. ATN. Home of "Would You Like Fries With That?" the ever popular Arilou Skiff test of exciting skills and thrills.

*** END COMMERCIALS ***

[En route. In Hyperspace.]

ZEX: While en route to D. Lyncis, let's take a look at another exciting clip. PUZ, what would you say was your most invigorating discovery?

PUZ [with resignation]: Well ...

[Scene on another far-away plantet. Some big mouse-like thing is on PUZ's face.]

PUZ [at the top of his lungs]: "GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! THE PAIN! DO SOMETHING! NOW! HELP!"

ZEX [looking for creative camera angles]: "You're doing great! Use all your arms! Could you turn this way a bit? We can't see the beast's eyes!"

[Back on ship]

ZEX: "My! The encounter with that mouse sure was exciting, wasn't it?"

PUZ: "Yeah, and my psychiatrist says I'm almost over the emotional trauma as well."

ZEX: "Ah! Our instruments show that we have arrived at D. Lyncis. We will now land in an attempt to hunt the [beast]."

PUZ: [Soft whimper.]

[Switch to scene of D. Lyncis. PUZ is approaching the [creature], which is asleep. ZEX is behind the camera.]

ZEX [quietly, to audience]: "PUZ approaches the dangerous [animal], now asleep. To awaken the creature and observe its behavior properly, PUZ will now jam the electrodes leading to the ship's battery into the beast's rectum."

[PUZ looks at camera, shakes head. ZEX nodds head and points at [life form] rear. PUZ performs quick VUX religious ritual, the one performed just before one's slow and painful death. He heads toward rear.]

ZEX: "PUZ will now awaken the highly dangerous and vicious creature."

[VUX Beast]: "MMMMMWWWWWWWRROOOOWWWWWRRRRR."

PUZ: "HELP!"

[As BEAST and PUZ tangle, ZEX continues narration.]

ZEX: "Here, PUZ now wrestles with the killer, its tiny brain with only one goal in mind: to kill any who provoke it. This is quite a natural behavior in carnivores everywhere, in any solar system."

CRUNCH!

ZEX: "Oh, my word."

[Back on ship.]

ZEX: "And that ends another exciting encounter with nature's wildlife. PUZ survived the encounter, but he will have to have all-new appendages. So tune in next month, when PUZ and I will encounter the Kohr-Ah/Ur-Quan death-ritual FIRST HAND."

[Roll end credits]

[Roll scenes of various flora and fauna using PUZ as hors d'oevers.]

*** END ***


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Last Update: October 19, 1999